She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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