his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
