On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
