I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
