I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
