girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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