it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize