I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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