hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish i was in the wii world.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
