Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
