In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
