mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
