Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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