He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
