I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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