I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize