So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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