Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
