why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
