grandma shit on top of the toilet
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
