Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
