She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
