she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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