i already hear my dad disowning me
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
