If that was your dad, he is hot
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
