Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
