Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Randomize
