Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
