Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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