You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
