Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
