ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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