What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
