Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
