did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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