my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
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