So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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