someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
