The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
