he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
