That's when you crack a 10am beer
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I pour the whiskey from now on
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
