I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize