i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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