The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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