Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize