a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
