census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
