I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Did I show you my penis last night?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize