Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize