I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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