I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
