i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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