I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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