if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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