Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
