the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
