remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
