You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Randomize
