So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
