yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
