just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
