I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
