I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
